Have you ever thought about the possibility of authoritarianism in a family structure? Maybe you or someone you know were married to a narcissist or knows of children being manipulated by an abusive parent. My latest guest, social worker Christine Cocchiola, is an expert on adult and child victims of coercive control. Dr. Christine Cocchiola has a doctorate in Social Welfare, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and is a tenured Social Work professor. Dr. Cocchiola also has a brand-new book with co-author Amy Polacko called Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld. It consists of 22 stories from survivors of coercive control and narcissistic abuse and what it was like for them and their families dealing with the legal system. Dr. Cocchiola's work helps combat what I think is an unrealized epidemic, which is people who are harmful and toxic to others. During our talk, we focused on what I believe is vitally important in understanding authoritarian and coercive control when a parent acts like a cult leader.
Background
Dr. Cocchiola’s story started when she was 19. Someone she knew had been abused as a child, which led her to volunteer and then become a professional advocate for the prevention of child abuse. What she didn’t realize was that her boyfriend at the time, who would later become her husband, was an abuser. The abuse had gone on for a long time, even though she was an accomplished social worker. It was because there was no physical violence. She was not fully aware of it. Her abuse was more insidious and included gaslighting, manipulation, and stalking. It is what I and other professionals call coercive control. Some say coercive control is “invisible abuse,” but it is not. Unfortunately, many professionals do not know how to look for it. While it can include physical or sexual violence, it can also be verbal assaults and intimidation, things that people outside of the relationship are not likely to notice.
Living with Abuse in the Family
In addition to her not being fully aware of her abuse, she didn’t realize that her husband was manipulating her children. He constantly worked to harm the bonds that she had with her kids. This fracturing of attachment can be done with regular comments that undermine the other, more protective parent. The children can lose trust in that protective parent while siding with the abusive parent.
One thing Dr. Cocchiola wants to stress is that even though her career is focused on the prevention of abuse, she still ended up in an abusive relationship. She wants to spread the word that this can happen to anyone. Dr. Cocchiola was even teaching courses on domestic abuse, but because she was dealing with coercive control at home and not physical violence, she didn’t see it right away. When she did pick up that something was not right, it took her a while to put her finger on it. She kept getting pulled back into the relationship because of the trauma bonding between her and her husband.
Interestingly, despite her seeing different therapists throughout her marriage, they never picked up on her anxiety as abuse. She never identified as being abused and, therefore, couldn’t verbalize the specific problematic behaviors being used by her then-husband. Her therapists never looked at her family relationships, especially her marriage dynamics, so her anxiety was always the thing to blame. No one understood the coercive control done by her husband that was making her anxious all the time. Her experience of other professionals missing the signs of her abuse has led her to create training seminars for professionals who deal with family issues to know what to look for and what to ask.
Her New Book on Coercive Control
Dr. Cocchiola’s most recent project was publishing a book with Amy Polacko, Divorce Coach and award-winning journalist, called Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld. Dr. Cocchiola and Amy were compelled to write this book after listening to so many women who were in abusive relationships where coercive control had been used but were navigating a family court system that did not understand that there was abuse. Abusive partners can manipulate the children to the point that the kids are afraid of the abuser but will not leave them. This happened in her case. Abusers can project their bad behavior on the other parent. One of the typical techniques is called DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. And while it is more frequently women who are the victims of abuse, both Dr. Cocchiola and I want to acknowledge that men can also be the victims of abuse and coercive control.
Repairing Her Bonds with Her Children
Dr. Cocchiola also coaches & supports parents on how to repair their relationships with their children after the sabotage from the abusive parent has happened. She stresses not reacting when they say horrible things that the abuser told them. Her technique is to stay calm and listen so their relationships can heal. In addition, and just as important, Dr. Cocchiola respects the boundaries that her children set. This is also critically important because the children lived in fear of the abuser and learned to make the abuser happy. Living with constant fear of abuse prohibits children from growing into their authentic selves. Acknowledging their feelings without judgment helps them to heal.
Dr. Cocchiola’s work in educating others about coercive control is vital.
She conducts trainings, webinars, and coaching to educate about coercive control in families. Professionals in the family court system, such as attorneys and social workers, need to know what to ask about in the beginning to get an accurate assessment. Knowing how to look for abuse is a major key to preventing it.
Resources
Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s website
Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s Perfect Prey Podcast
Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld
The Protective Parenting Program
The Clinician, Attorney, & Coach Coercive Control Trauma-Informed Certification Training